As we know, Donald Trump went full Carlo Gambino yesterday, taking “the Fifth” over 440 times in a deposition for New York’s Attorney General Letitia James. A deposition not about inciting a riot that ended up killing a half dozen people at the U.S. Capitol, but simply how he did business in New York for 30 or so years. Through a rush filing of an FOIA (Freedom of Imagination Act) the Wry Wing Politics legal team has obtained a partial record of said deposition. As a public service, we present it to you here.

State of New York (SONY) : Is your name Donald J, Trump?

Trump: I take the Fifth because I’m still the President and I don’t take lip from uppity black women.

SONY: So you believe you will incriminate yourself by admitting who are?

Trump: Fifth.

SONY: Very well. Have you ever done business in the state of New York?

Trump: Fifth.

SONY: Um hmm. Have you ever paid taxes in the State of New York?

Trump: Fifth.

SONY: Have you ever resided in the State of New York?

Trump: Fifth.

SONY: Really? We’re simply asking if you’ve ever lived here. You believe that will incriminate you?

Trump: Fifth.

SONY: Okay. Let’s try this. You own a property up the Hudson. You purchased it for $6.9 million. Yet you later claimed a $21 million tax deduction on the same property and then wildly over-valued it again to secure a loan to buy a football team. How do you explain this?

Trump: Fifth.

SONY: (Growing exasperation.) Mr. Trump do you or do you not have children?

Trump: Fifth.

SONY: Ok. Are any of these children mentally competent? Can they feed and groom themselves?

Trump: Fifth.

SONY: Are any or all of them house trained, and this includes Eric?

Trump: Fifth.

SONY: Mr. Trump are you at this moment awake and conscious?

Trump: Fifth.

SONY: Do you or do you not have a full size poster of Kid Rock over your bed?

Trump: Fifth.

SONY: Have you ever read a book?

Trump: Fifth.

SONY: Alright. Mr. Trump we have evidence that without the laundering of money Vladimir Putin-supported oligarchs looted from Russia you would be destitute and selling hot dogs on Sixth Avenue. This is true, isn’t it?

Trump: Fifth.

SONY: Sir, are you currently incontinent, or can you explain what I’m smelling?

Trump: Fifth.

SONY: Sir, during your term in the White House did you ever spend more than 45 minutes on any given day doing anything remotely like actual work?

Trump: Fifth.

SONY: Mr. Trump, do you believe in the Easter Bunny?

Trump: Fifth.

SONY: Mr. Trump, that thing, whatever it is on your head, is it made of hemp, and what color would you say it is?

Trump: Fifth.

SONY: Sir, at any point in the past 25 years have you weighed less than 300 pounds?

Trump: Fifth.

SONY: And can you recall any day in the past 25 years when you didn’t lie you ass off about everything, pretty much all day long?

Trump: Fifth.

SONY: Just a couple more, sir. Can you spell your name for us? Or, excuse me, do you know how to spell your name?

Trump: Fifth.

SONY: Mr. Trump have you had breast augmentation surgery?

Trump: Fifth.

SONY: Okay, finally, sir, there are several globs of some kind of thick goo on your absurdly long red tie. We suspect it is Kentucky Fried Chicken sauce. If so, which flavor is it?

Trump: It’s classic ranch, you vicious, deep state idiot.

SONY: Thank you for your cooperation, sir.