I’m tempted to say that as the years accumulate I understand less and less. But as anyone who knows me will tell you, I’ve never understood all that much. That said, lately I’ve found myself building a list of stuff happening today that I simply do not get. And being committed to public service I’m offering it to you now.

1: Hands free driving. If you watch football you’ve no doubt seen the commercial of your standard issue, cookie cutter, commercial male “average guy” actor — forty-ish, eight-day growth of beard, outdoorsy attire — behind the wheel of his gleaming new Chevy truck (estimated retail cost $80,000). But that’s all he is … behind the wheel. Never mind he’s heading downhill off a mountain with a truckload of buddies pulling a trailer carrying four ATVs. (Boys gotta have toys.) He’s got his hands in his lap letting his shiny rig drive itself. Total weight of this set up? Six tons. I don’t get it. Is steering that exhausting? More to the point, how nervous are your buddies at this scene? Also, what’s State Farm’s payout when a deer jumps in front of all this and you pile yourself, your pals and all that gear into a rock face … because you weren’t steering 12,000 pounds (minimum) down a damn mountain road?

2: Intuit Turbo Tax (or H&R Block … ). Another heavily hyped-during-football “service.” The only reason millions of us pay out $80 for TurboTax software or $300 to a tax accountant is because the likes of Intuit have so heavily lobbied our congress critters to prevent the government/IRS from offering this same service (or a better one) for free. Don’t believe me? Watch this illuminating report from The New York Times.

Let me put this bluntly … we are chumps for allowing this to happen. The Biden administration did put money into the IRS to begin addressing this stupidity, but of course … oh, you already knew … House Speaker Mike Johnson and his MAGA puppetmasters are railing against it on the grounds that, yeah yeah, jack-booted IRS thugs are going to knock in your trailer door and confiscate your guns to settle back taxes. FFS!

3: Cussing. Speaking of speaking bluntly. Politico had a story last week of Biden, who, you know, is so addled he’s repeatedly telling people Obama is still president and that woke Democrats are going to change the name of Pennsylvania (oh sorry, that’s the other guy), cussing out Orange Jesus in private conversations. Echoing former Secretary of State and Exxon CEO Rex Tillerson and countless others employed by Trump would said exssentially the same thing Biden reportedly called the failed casino operator/spiritual leader of modern Republicans a “sick fuck” and “a fucking asshole.” The context being, according to Politico, Trump’s constant indifference and cruelty to people far, far below him on the economic ladder.

Now personally, being an occasional potty mouth myself and a very big fan of The Dude, I found this to be pretty funny. Largely because it expresses so precisely and in such a succinct, common street level language way what at least 80-plus million voters are thinking … every day. Public figures generally try to avoid sounding like Joe Pesci in “Casino” when they’re out campaigning or handshaking moms at some pre-school opening. Spot on cussing is not, you know, “dignified” or “statesman-like.” But my guess has long been that wonky grey Democrats in partiucular would do well to adopt a vernacular more in tune with actual Americans. People find something relaxing and something akin to cathartic and humanizing about a leader who looks on vulgar cancer like Trump and says, “Jesus, what a sick fuck!”

4: Awards season. I like movies. I like music. But I am truly way too old and have seen too much to get excited about Oscars and Grammys and CMAs and BAFTAs and Guilds-this and that. These “contests” have almost nothing to do with objectively evaluating artistic merit … as though anything could or should. They’re virtue-signaling, trend-obsessed popularity contests heavily … and I do mean heavily … tilted in favor of who sold the most tickets and who marketed themselves to the right people in the right ways. Maybe something like the London Film Critics comes close to applauding artistic merit. But the Oscars and Grammys and the rest are first and foremost about putting on a show! About selling ads on a TV celebrity-choked extravaganza with a giant audience. Put another way, nobody wants to watch a collection of paunchy yobs you’ve never heard of natter on about some dorky film no cool kid has seen on Tik Tok.

So yeah, I don’t get awards shows either.

And finally … get off my lawn.