Bloomington, Minn., July 31, 2013 — A national hair style advocacy group called the Mullet Brotherhood announced today that it was organizing a drive to draft legendary WCCO-TV anchorman Don Shelby to run for Congress against Minnesota 3rd Congressional District Representative Erik Paulsen.
After retiring from the anchor desk, Shelby became a cause celebre in the mullet-American advocacy community when he let his hair down, the hind half of it. News reports that Shelby may run for Congress have caused a buzz among mullet activists anxious to see one of their own representing them in Washington.
“Former Governor Pawlenty had a chance become the first mulleted President, but unfortunately he dumped us for a Super PAC-approved cut,” said Floyd “Flow Joe” Joyner, President of the Mullet Brotherhood. “We’ve long admired Mr. Shelby’s silver cascade, and would dearly love to see that bad boy in the Capitol Building.”
Joyner admitted that the road will be long for Shelby. Protesters outside the news conference mocked Shelby and the group with various forms of hate speech, such as hockey hair, ten ninety, helmet hair, coupe Longueuil, haircut o’ death, neckwarmer, shorty longback, the 10-90, the Kentucky waterfall, the bi-level, the faded glory, the Ben Franklin, the Missouri Compromise, the Louisiana Purchase, the Camaro crash helmut, the business cut (business in front, party in the back), the LPGA, the soccer flip, the convertible, the Tennessee top hat, the Canadian passport, the New Jersey neckwarmer, the Chattanooga choo choo, and the neck blanket and the Wisconsin waterfall.
“If that ‘Wisconsin waterfall’ label sticks, that could be the end for Shelby,” said Dr. Harold Cloister, political science professor at St. Thomas University. “I’d look for Shelby’s handlers to spin it as more of a Minnesota Mudflap.”
With the exception of a few short-lived fads, hind heavy hair has been slow to be accepted in contemporary mainstream society. Though fossil records indicate that homo sapiens with primitive mullets have walked the Earth for at least 130,000 years, it was 2001 before the word “mullet” even appeared in dictionaries. Mullet activists see a Shelby candidacy as a historic opportunity to normalize the oppressed mulleted minority.
“We did have Governor Ventura in the State Capitol a few years back, but to be honest there is a rather ugly debate within our community about whether a skullet should be considered to be in the mullet family,” said Joyner. “Naturally, we value all forms of unbridled neck hair, but many feel that crown-based flow is a necessary element of the art form. But dandy Don’s ape drape, dude, we all get goose bumps about that mofo.”
Joyner announced the launch of a Draft Shelby website www.DonsDo4u.com. Along with a draft petition, the site also is selling “Don’s Do 4U” trucker’s hats, with a faux silver mullet flowing from the back.
Mr. Shelby refused to comment for this story. However, in previous news reports he has indicated that he has not yet ruled out becoming “a terrible congressman.”